People live in fear

This is the time of year when those no good layabouts, spiders, enter our homes with the sole purpose of terrorizing us all.

All people - there are no exceptions - live in  permanent fear of their next encounter with a huge hideous, multi-legged, monster.

These evil creatures lurk about in all sorts of locations waiting to suddenly pounce and scare the living daylights out of someone. Spiders thinks this is absolutely hilarious and love to see us flee from a room, house or street in sheer terror.

Spiders serve no useful purpose whatsoever and have been put on this earth just to wind us all up.

If that's not enough they're getting bigger. When we young, with a few exceptions, spiders were small charming little fellows. Now, however, they get bigger each year and it is quite common now to see them roughly the size of a small horse - a small horse with loads of hideous hairy legs and a scary face.

Their eating habits are too horrific to even contemplate and their habit of making webs is another on a long list of annoyance tactics.

Nevertheless, spiders are not as stupid as we look. One of the reasons they have the crass audacity to come into our homes is the fact that they know winter is coming and are seeking somewhere to keep nice and warm with the added benefit of having the sport of people frightening to amuse themselves during the long dark nights, and days. Last year there was a huge invasion because they were tipped off in advance about the bad winter whilst we were being told by weathermen, and women, that global warming would boil us all alive.

What's the government et al doing about it? Nowt, as usual. We are left alone to defend ourselves.

To make matters worse: there is nothing you can do to alleviate the problem. If someone invented a spray that you could squirt about that would stop spiders coming in they would make a fortune. However, these so-called scientists, many of whom are known to be spider lovers, can't be bothered. None of the so-called products available are any use at all. The horse chestnut based sprays are useless as are horse chestnuts. Conkers [horse chestnuts] spread about the home are merely a trip hazard. The legend that spiders don't like conkers is based on timing: by the time conkers are available spiders have already found a secret den to lurk about and plot in.

Electronic spider scarers don't work either, they merely irritate the beasts into attacking you even more in retaliation.

What to do when confronted by a spider [when you are not alone]:

·                                 Leg It

·                                 Get your missus to deal with it

What to do when confronted by a spider [when you are alone]:

·                                 Hoover it up: you MUST always have a hoover ready to use

·                                 Hit it with a fly swatter [the fly swatter is a perfect tool. It was produced specifically to swat flies so don't let anyone know you are using it for spider bashing]

·                                 Flush it down the plug hole [in cases when they are in the bath or sink - they love doing this because you are often naked during the encounter] Keep a plastic jug full of water to hand at all times

Encountering a monster whilst in bed is just too horrible to even think about - just pray it never happens

We were going to put a picture of a spider here to illustrate this piece. All the pictures we looked at were so awful that only spider lovers [entomologists] would like them so here's a picture of a flower:

Oh no, there's a bee on that flower.

Bees are idiots. They go 'round wearing black and yellow lined tee shirts so they think we'll like them when, all the time, they're plotting to sting us.

Look at this picture instead:

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